Food Hack: Prevent Onion Crying

When you're as macho as me, you have an image you need to protect.  As manly as I may be, my tear ducts are little girls when they are sprayed with poisonous onion juices (Fig. 1.0).

Fig. 1.0 Gas from the onion turning a manly man into a crying girl (may also cause menstruation) 

Here is the secret of how to spare your eyes and manhood: 

When onion cells are cut open, sulfenic acid is released and combines with an enzyme from the onion, creating an airborne gas.  When the gas (literally considered teargas) enters your eyes, it stimulates your optical sensory neurons, causing extreme irritation. There is a gland in the base of the onion that, when cut into, releases this teargas.  If you cut out this cone shaped gland in the bottom then you will be spared most of the unpleasant gas.  So cut out a cone, with the base of the cone being the root, and the tip of the cone being about 1/3 the height of the onion.  If you don't want to waste this part of the onion I suggest finding a small child to chop it up for you.

I have also noticed that while wearing contact lenses, the onion's powers are considerably weakened.  Perhaps contacts serve as some sort of onion-kryptonite.  If you don't wear contacts, I recommend that you try reading in the dark or playing video games too close to your TV screen.